This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
