OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?