Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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