tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
