You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
