the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
how drunk are you?
Several
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
