Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Floor bacon is actually really good
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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