The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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