If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
