she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
