so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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