I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
