That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
