I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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