I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
