I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
