I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
