I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
