Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
