the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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