Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
