I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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