my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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