my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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