you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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