I'm sorry my penis didn't work
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
