I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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