My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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