my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
That's when you crack a 10am beer
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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