i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
