if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
