a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
