A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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