He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Even my vagina gasped.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
