we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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