Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
