My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
