How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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