What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
