You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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