True but thats because hes a fetus.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
