some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
