Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
