I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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