Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
