Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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