Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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