just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
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Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
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I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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