dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
