well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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