Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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