just tell him i said nine months
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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