it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
