shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
