woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
