just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
