It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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