Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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