I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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