if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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