Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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