Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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