I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
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If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
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I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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