i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
