I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
